This doesn't come as a surprise, as these "anxiety valleys" seem to appear every few months. It (anxiety) is something I have been battling for about five years now, and thankfully the lows are not as intense as they used to be, but they are still frustrating. And disappointing. And in the end it just makes me angry. Angry that I allow myself to be carried away with any thought that might pop in my head.
Just when I think I have this thing beat, I experience a low. Or maybe I just experience life and get carried away with the "what if's". When I am in one of these valleys, every slight concern becomes a worst case scenario in my mind (i.e. a sore calf MUST mean a blood clot in my leg!! -- this was the latest that kept me up all of monday night).
I took these photos of the kids on Tuesday evening as I was starting to come out of the fog of this last week, and I couldn't help but notice and deeply appreciate their complete joy and love of life. There is not an ounce of fear in these two kids. And when i mean fear, I mean they don't stay up all night worrying about a blood clot in their leg, or a suspicious mole, or how they are doing in school, or trying to sell our house, or WHAT IF SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS TO MY FAMILY???
I remember being like this as a child myself. Never experiencing or being carried away by the fears of this life. So what the heck happened along the way that made me into this (at times) weak and fearful woman?? Is it possible to return to that child-like faith where I don't even understand these types of silly adult fears?
Recently I revisited a familiar passage in my Bible about Jesus and Peter walking on the water (Matthew 14:22-36) . I have heard it a million times and even remember the felt board reenactments in my childhood Sunday School classes. Jesus always wore a white robe with a blue sash and Peter always looked a little freaked out over the whole situation. Anyway, the disciples saw Jesus coming towards them walking on the water and He told them not to be afraid. Peter said, "Lord if it's really you, tell me to come to you on the water." And Jesus said, "Come".
Then Matthew 14:29 says, "Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But he saw the wind he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him, "You of little faith", he said, "why did you doubt?" (personal note: i kinda think Peter is a rock star for getting out of the boat in the first place)
I can't think of any other verse in the Bible that best describes my experience with anxiety. I see myself walking on the water (such an appropriate metaphor for life) and that very moment I take my eyes off Jesus, and instead, focus on the wind and waves (which in my case is all the what-if's and fears of life--- suspicious moles, fear of blood clots, etc), I begin to sink. I cry out for help, He immediately reaches out and saves me and lovingly asks me why i didn't have faith in Him? The second I let the fears become greater than my Lord, I begin to sink. He's proven already that He's greater than the wind and waves because He is walking over them--- and so am I when I focus on Him.
The last thing I want to be characterized as is a woman of little faith. I shudder at that thought, but in reality, that is the path anxiety leads me down. Drowning in the sea of life. Little faith.
I am entering that place where suddenly my six year old has become an example of what God wants from me. Trusting what God says. Trusting what the Word says and not worrying about the "what if's". A humbling experience, that is for sure, but incredible at the same time.
Here I am, ready to return to that Child-like faith and walk on the water.
